Thursday, September 17, 2009

.357 Lover Fan Fiction - Eating Wings Too Fast Before a Show

A kid in Charlottesville got my rider from years ago rather than the band's rider and we got a huge plate of wings. They were going to be cold after the show and I don't normally eat before a show because it's harder to sing that way but I wanted to show Dave and the Giant's manager, Scott, the rhythm of the competitive wing-eating champion The Wingador.
I threw up in my mouth during the first song.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

.357 Lover Fan Fiction - Summoning the Spirit of John Carter in the Midst of Wolves

Ron and Dave were getting snacks at the Wawa while I pumped gas. Brad was sleeping. When I finished getting gas I walked over to the outdoor bathroom. My back hurt from not going in some time. When I found it was locked I walked into the woods. I could still be seen by the gas station patrons so I walked on further into the woods. At some point I found the woods had become forest and the gas station had disappeared. I unzipped my pants and enjoyed the silence. As I began peeing a wolf jumped at my back and began clamping down on the back of my neck. Instead of throwing it off, my first instinct was to pull up my pants. I was able to button my pants but not zip up as the wolf threw me towards the whole pack of them. These weren't beautiful wolves. These wolves had the eyes of humans who thirsted for blood. I reached for my Leatherman but it was still in the van. So, I had to depend the power of my fists. The anger made me stronger and I pounded the sides of the werewolves with great might. I felt I had a third eye but later found it to just be a gash on my forehead from the claws of a beast.
Afterward, I felt like I had a terrible hangover. Even though I was sore, I enjoyed the silence. I heard a rustling of leaves, not wolf paws but human feet. I couldn't tell you how I got back but before I passed out I heard a man talking:
"When i am defeated by the pack of wolves in the forest below the castle cliff, it will be King Diamond who will carry me over his shoulder so that someday I will get my revenge."
We had an okay show that night.

.357 Lover Fan Fiction - We Are a Cartoon

One time we opened for Gilby Clarke and this kid comes up to me and begins telling me he's seen me a couple of times. He said I was good.
Then, he introduced me to his manager and then let on that he played blues guitar.
He was wearing a zoot suit not unlike a suit that could have been worn by MC Skat Cat. I was nice to him. When I went inside he told Kevin, our old drummer who moved to Austin, that I was a clown and played cartoonish music. Then, he proposed that Kevin quit our band and join his blues band.
Kevin said no.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Ted Baxter Fan Fiction

Ted Knight came to the show the other night. He was wearing a white suit with a black tie and his shoes were white but his socks were black. He ordered a seltzer water at the bar from a difficult position between two women who were sitting close to each other. I know this because I stopped doing between-song banter and watched him argue with the bartender over what goes in a seltzer besides seltzer. Ted Knight was turning red in the face over the absence of a maraschino cherry. Werner Klemperer came over and tried to calm him down. It didn't work. Ted Knight's collar began smoking and his head turned to fire like Ghost Rider's skull. We had to stop playing.
We don't play there anymore. Not because of Ted Knight but because the house piano's sustain pedal doesn't work and the sound guy thought we stole their bass amp.

Friday, September 4, 2009

.357 Lover on East Village Radio

Brad and Mo went on the Beyond Beyond is Beyond show on East Village Radio. Here is a link to the show:
We are on the September 3rd show.

.357 Lover Fan Fiction - Band Meeting

We had an idea to do a soundtrack to each Dilbert comic strip. Then, it changed to Garfield but everyone was doing Garfield stuff and then we talked about a Halloween album and then it got quiet.